Lost + Broken = Destination Fixer Upper

I have been thinking about starting a blog for a while now. I have tried numerous times over the last 2 years to put one together. I was all excited about the thought of having one, then came the overwhelming confusion of putting the website together, checking out all the subscription options and selecting a domain name….none of this had ANYTHING to do with writing the actual blog and I eventually would give up all hope of successfully creating one. But, I made it one step further this time! Well kinda, I still need to select a subscription and decide on a domain name but I feel more accomplished already.

The whole purpose of why I wanted to write a blog is because I love to write and because I feel that journaling is very important for one's mental health. Something I’ve learned a lot about over the past 7ish months. Lastly, I have this inner yearning to help people. So why shouldn't others benefit from reading my blog filled with all my struggles, triumphs, hills and valleys, etc?? If this blog can give someone even the smallest sign of hope or bring them a smile then I’ve done my job. That's helping people right??!!

So lets get started, I am a 42-year-old wife, mom to 2 sons, caretaker of 3 dogs, 10 cats, 2 goats, 1 pig and a partridge in a pear tree, lol, get it?? Anyway, besides having everything I could ever want and need in this life, there is still that empty void that has never been filled...a gapping hole, (picture the gal from "Death Becomes Her" with Goldie Hawn and Meryl Streep) a gapping hole that is waiting, very impatiently at this point in my life, to be filled. I have tried everything from childcare in my boys younger years, to office work in various clinic settings, to doing activities in a nursing home, to coffee shop barista and now a DSP at a school for individuals with disabilities. Let us not forget, all the little part-time gigs that I did along the way too. I feel throughout all these jobs, gigs, life endeavors ...that not one of them really truly filled the gapping hole. Some of them came close I think, maybe…kinda…not really....truthfully I dont know.

OR, could it be that am I the problem??? Am I standing in my own way? Is it one of those "it’s me not you" type situations? Am I breaking up with the job instead of the job breaking up with me?? If I owed my jobs an explanation, it would be that my purposeful needs were not being met and it was time for me to move on. Maybe my purpose has been right in front of my face this whole time. Maybe I could attribute this problem to my terrible, horrible, no good eyesight! (shoutout to one of my favorite books of my youth) That's gotta be the best explanation right?? Never in my 42 years have I seen the world clearly or without some type of corrective lenses. (Except for that period of time in High School where I ditched the glasses all together because I wanted to impress the boyfriend.) Talk about putting my life at risk everyday with all that squinting I did and closing one eye at a time in hopes that maybe I could see better. Again, maybe my purpose has been right In front of me, maybe I am just not seeing the signs clearly. I pray for signs daily. Now, if you know me…and if you have ever driven with me, you know that my vision is something to be desired, I will honestly admit this. Those green signs on the side of the road or above the over passes aren't even crystal clear when I drive right pass them. If roadwork or emergency lights are flashing ahead of me, it wont come into my line of vision until I approach it at a, much closer than I would like, distance. Maybe this holds true about my life, maybe I am not seeing what the Good Lord has for me. His will, his vision for me…my purpose in him. I constantly pray to find "my purpose in his will", but what is that?? Did I not see the exit marked "purpose" on this interstate called life?

So now I have missed my exit all together, I am on a round about and I am lost. I feel like I am suppose to know where I should be going and that I shouldnt need a map to assist me. Another fun fact, I can’t read maps. I shouldnt need to stop and ask for directions on what way I should be going with my life. I have lived 42 years and society says, the only right way, is to know exactly what one is suppose to do with their life or at least have a plan. If you make too many u-turns or take to many short cuts, you will soon be known as a "job hopper" or someone who just cant seem to hold a steady job. When truly you are just searching for fulfillment.

I want to set a good example for my 19-year-old and 16-year-old sons. Unfortunately, I already see some of the same patterns that are prominent with me in my oldest and it puts a big knot in that hole that is in my stomach, that same hole I was talking about before. As parents, we always want the best for our children, or at least better than we had. One of those, "don't do as I do" things. I know at 19 no one says that your purpose is painted in large letters on a billboard sign indicating what exactly you will do the entire rest of your life. I see the yearning in him, the yearning for something more than what is achievable for him right at this present time. If I could drive George Jetson’s flying car into the future with a million dollars, I would start up the best farm operation ever for him and I would join right in. Just like many people though, we are lost, we are searching, we are waiting for a sign,…..waiting for a big red stop sign, maybe even one with flashing lights to just to make it clear that we have arrived at our destined purpose. Something that says “THIS IS IT!”

I truly want to teach my boys to have the "work ethic" that society says we are suppose to have but, for me, it seems like a completely different "ethic" than anyone else. I have a hard time feeling purposeful. It is hard to teach something that is different from the "norm" . I do not want them to be judged and ridiculed. This world is cruel, people can be cruel. Judgement, criticism and ridicule have always been the very sharp tip of the "bit" that has drilled the big hole in me. Caring too much about what others think, especially those close to me, truthfully has held me back in so many ways. This is one lesson that I want my boys to learn from ...don't let anyone or anything get in the way of trying to achieve your dreams or trying something new. Don’t let anyone tell you that your purpose isn’t good enough. If it fills your emptiness and brings you JOY then you rock that purpose for the world to see. If you happen to get lost while finding the best route for you to get there, (to your purpose) just enjoy the scenery along the way.

Okay, back to the point of this whole entire blog for today is that I am Lost and I am Broken. I have a hole somewhere, I have been drilled into, there are many pieces that I am trying to find and put back together..kinda like a puzzle or a broken vase...but that's okay right?? Its ok because we have "glue" to fix all broken things. Glue that will hold us together, glue that will make us whole again, new again but with more character.....and who is our "glue"?? Jesus!! The fixer of all things, the found to our lost. "I once was lost but now am found" says one of my favorite songs. Jesus says that we do not have to be perfect, all our imperfections are perfectly and wonderfully made by him. And we do not need to know the plan or the route to our destination. We are to, ultimately and foremost, trust the process, trust the Lord, and pray. Trust and pray that he will bring us to where we are suppose to be, he will give us direction, he will help us through all potholes, all the hills and valleys, every single construction zone with the orange cones, every missed exit…He will get us to our to our destination .....even better and more persicly than a handy man using google maps.

Your wondering if I found my purpose yet?? Well, I went the wrong direction, took another detour, and am now looking for tools to fix a flat tire BUT I am trying to wait patiently on my repair man. Guess who that is?????